Divorce Is MessyGoing into a divorce is an emotionally messy process no matter how it begins or how it evolves. Oftentimes couples get caught up in an emotional battle or competition with one another over who is right or wrong. They play out the battle out using finances, living arrangements, schedules, and especially their children as pawns. For some couples this battle continues long after the divorce is over. The adults never heal; the children suffer.
Face The FactsIf your mate has asked for a divorce and if you've discussed an option for counseling to repair the marital damage and this is refused, it's important to face the facts that the choice for divorce may be out of your control simply because your mate wants it. Facing the facts doesn't mean you have to like it. But you do have to accept it if the choice is out of your control. You are going to be sad and angry, confused and you are going to grieve—even if you are the one asking for the divorce. You may not have control over your mate or your emotions, but what you do have control over is how you handle this jumble of emotions and how you handle the process going forward.
How you behave and how you communicate will help determine the length of time it takes to finalize your divorce and the financial cost. How you behave will also help determine how you and your children adjust to the changes required when a divorce is imminent and out of your control.
Separate Your Feelings From Your NeedsIf your mate will not reconcile, or if your mate will not participate in "Uncoupling Therapy" or "Divorce Therapy" to discuss the reasons for the divorce and how to proceed, you need to stay focused on your higher goals—of healing, helping your children, and having enough resources to rebuild your life. To help you stay focused on these higher goals:
1. Hire a skilled a coach or counselor.That person will help you stay focused on what is most important to you and your children during the divorce process and afterward as you create a new life as a single person and as a parent with a separate household.
And, remember that you can only do your part. No matter how well you behave or communicate, your mate plays a part—but you can accept your 100% responsibility for yourself and stay focused on behaving with grace, dignity and staying on task to finalize your agreements.
2. Learn To Negotiate: Become Strategic vs. Reactive.The essentials that couples need to discuss during the divorce process and after relates to the "business" of their lives. If your mate wants a divorce, he or she is NOT the person to help you with your feelings any more. Turn to a coach or counselor, family and friends to work out your feelings. The business of divorce concerns the finances, needs of the children, schedules, living arrangements, etc. that you and you ex need to agree upon together. Otherwise the courts will make these decisions for you. Communicating in a strategic—and non-reactive—way will make this a less painful process.
3. Remember, you can only do your part.No matter how well you behave or communicate, your mate plays a part—but you can accept your 100% responsibility for yourself and stay focused on behaving with grace, dignity and staying on task to finalize your agreements.
