Divorce and Couple Communication

Divorce Is Messy
Going into a divorce is an emotionally messy process no matter how it begins or how it evolves. Oftentimes couples get caught up in an emotional battle or competition with one another over who is right or wrong. They play out the battle out using finances, living arrangements, schedules, and especially their children as pawns. For some couples this battle continues long after the divorce is over. The adults never heal; the children suffer.

Face The Facts
If your mate has asked for a divorce and if you've discussed an option for counseling to repair the marital damage and this is refused, it's important to face the facts that the choice for divorce may be out of your control simply because your mate wants it. Facing the facts doesn't mean you have to like it. But you do have to accept it if the choice is out of your control. You are going to be sad and angry, confused and you are going to grieve—even if you are the one asking for the divorce. You may not have control over your mate or your emotions, but what you do have control over is how you handle this jumble of emotions and how you handle the process going forward.

How you behave and how you communicate will help determine the length of time it takes to finalize your divorce and the financial cost. How you behave will also help determine how you and your children adjust to the changes required when a divorce is imminent and out of your control.

Separate Your Feelings From Your Needs
If your mate will not reconcile, or if your mate will not participate in "Uncoupling Therapy" or "Divorce Therapy" to discuss the reasons for the divorce and how to proceed, you need to stay focused on your higher goals—of healing, helping your children, and having enough resources to rebuild your life. To help you stay focused on these higher goals:

1. Hire a skilled a coach or counselor.
That person will help you stay focused on what is most important to you and your children during the divorce process and afterward as you create a new life as a single person and as a parent with a separate household.
And, remember that you can only do your part. No matter how well you behave or communicate, your mate plays a part—but you can accept your 100% responsibility for yourself and stay focused on behaving with grace, dignity and staying on task to finalize your agreements.

2. Learn To Negotiate: Become Strategic vs. Reactive.
The essentials that couples need to discuss during the divorce process and after relates to the "business" of their lives. If your mate wants a divorce, he or she is NOT the person to help you with your feelings any more. Turn to a coach or counselor, family and friends to work out your feelings. The business of divorce concerns the finances, needs of the children, schedules, living arrangements, etc. that you and you ex need to agree upon together. Otherwise the courts will make these decisions for you. Communicating in a strategic—and non-reactive—way will make this a less painful process.

3. Remember, you can only do your part.
No matter how well you behave or communicate, your mate plays a part—but you can accept your 100% responsibility for yourself and stay focused on behaving with grace, dignity and staying on task to finalize your agreements.

Living Together; Wanting A Divorce

How do you manage a difficult living situation when you can't move out and finalizing your divorce seems nearly impossible?

You feel hopeless and can't see a way out:

· There's no money to pursue a divorce or to even live in separate dwellings.
· Because of the kids neither of you is willing to go til the settlement is final.
· Your mate has been untrustworthy with the finances in the past and you don’t know if s/he’ll be fair if you move out now.
· You both know the economy has to turn around before the family will be stable enough to withstand two households.
· You don't know what you can afford, so you feel you have to stay in the house together til the divorce is final.

What should you do? What are you options and how should you proceed?
To read my full article click here.

Stuck in a Difficult Relationship

Relationship struggles come in all shapes and sizes. It doesn’t matter how large or small the struggle, relationship conflicts drain your energy. They cause painful feelings of sadness, frustration or anger. They can lead to self-doubt, hopelessness and even depression. While one response to a difficult relationship may be to just walk away, this is not always feasible, nor is it always advisable or possible. You can’t walk away from a child or a family member. You don’t always walk away from a marriage just because you go through some loneliness.

You are struggling both on a day-to-day level, and your higher self is seeking greater consciousness, spiritual awareness, and to become stronger, more competent and resourceful in all aspects of your life, even in your most difficult relationships. You don’t want to walk away from this challenge; you want to grow from this experience. And, you want to feel better and less stressed!

To learn more about Collaborative Divorce go to our West Metro website.
To read the full article and learn some important some tips to guide you click here.

If Divorce Is Inevitable, Start Here

You are anticipating a divorce:
· You’ve heard about Collaborative Divorce and if you have to divorce you’d like to do it with the least amount of hostility.
· You experience emptiness or anger, as well as huge self-doubts about the life step you’re contemplating.
· You feel a great deal of anxiety about the future – because it is unknown.
· On top of this enormous emotional turmoil comes confusion and fear about another unknown – navigating the legal system that is the route to divorce. You’ve heard so many horror stories about extended battles and outrageous financial costs.

Simple Steps To Start Now
There are some simple steps you can take - starting now - that will help you to stabilize your situation. These steps will help you gain a modicum of control over the choices you need to. These steps will help you begin to carve out a path of decision-making and wise choices as you go through this major life transition.

To read more and learn these important steps click here.

Benefits of a Child-Inclusive Collaborative Team Process

A core principle of Collaborative Process is the value of reaching resolutions that benefit the entire family. We believe that respectful interest-based problem solving and negotiation is effective, and much less likely to deepen conflicts and worsen emotional distress than an adversarial process. This is of enormous benefit to the children in the family.

When a Collaborative Team Process is used, the needs of the children can be addressed even more clearly and powerfully. The children become members of the collaborative team through their work with the Neutral Child Specialist. The Child Specialist ensures that children are kept in the center and out of the middle.

A child-inclusive process keeps the focus directly on the individual needs of each child. Children old enough to understand the big picture are able to share their perspectives on how family can work best for them in the future. Children's voices are heard in a safe, supportive environment, and their parents get important feedback from a neutral collaborative team member. When it is time to create a parenting plan with the Child Specialist, each child's temperament, developmental stage and specific needs are honored. I call the end result a developmentally responsive parenting plan.

A child-inclusive Collaborative Team Process is valuable for any family with children, and for children of all ages. I believe that children deserve the best safe parenting they can get from both parents, and it is always a privilege to work with families to define those terms and reach that goal in their parenting plans.

Deborah Clemmensen, M.Eq.
Licensed Psychologist
Neutral Child Specialist