Divorce Is Messy
Going into a divorce is an emotionally messy process no matter how it begins or how it evolves. Oftentimes couples get caught up in an emotional battle or competition with one another over who is right or wrong. They play out the battle out using finances, living arrangements, schedules, and especially their children as pawns. For some couples this battle continues long after the divorce is over. The adults never heal; the children suffer.
Face The Facts
If your mate has asked for a divorce and if you've discussed an option for counseling to repair the marital damage and this is refused, it's important to face the facts that the choice for divorce may be out of your control simply because your mate wants it. Facing the facts doesn't mean you have to like it. But you do have to accept it if the choice is out of your control. You are going to be sad and angry, confused and you are going to grieve—even if you are the one asking for the divorce. You may not have control over your mate or your emotions, but what you do have control over is how you handle this jumble of emotions and how you handle the process going forward.
How you behave and how you communicate will help determine the length of time it takes to finalize your divorce and the financial cost. How you behave will also help determine how you and your children adjust to the changes required when a divorce is imminent and out of your control.
Separate Your Feelings From Your Needs
If your mate will not reconcile, or if your mate will not participate in "Uncoupling Therapy" or "Divorce Therapy" to discuss the reasons for the divorce and how to proceed, you need to stay focused on your higher goals—of healing, helping your children, and having enough resources to rebuild your life. To help you stay focused on these higher goals:
1. Hire a skilled a coach or counselor.
That person will help you stay focused on what is most important to you and your children during the divorce process and afterward as you create a new life as a single person and as a parent with a separate household.
And, remember that you can only do your part. No matter how well you behave or communicate, your mate plays a part—but you can accept your 100% responsibility for yourself and stay focused on behaving with grace, dignity and staying on task to finalize your agreements.
2. Learn To Negotiate: Become Strategic vs. Reactive.
The essentials that couples need to discuss during the divorce process and after relates to the "business" of their lives. If your mate wants a divorce, he or she is NOT the person to help you with your feelings any more. Turn to a coach or counselor, family and friends to work out your feelings. The business of divorce concerns the finances, needs of the children, schedules, living arrangements, etc. that you and you ex need to agree upon together. Otherwise the courts will make these decisions for you. Communicating in a strategic—and non-reactive—way will make this a less painful process.
3. Remember, you can only do your part.
No matter how well you behave or communicate, your mate plays a part—but you can accept your 100% responsibility for yourself and stay focused on behaving with grace, dignity and staying on task to finalize your agreements.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Living Together; Wanting A Divorce
How do you manage a difficult living situation when you can't move out and finalizing your divorce seems nearly impossible?
You feel hopeless and can't see a way out:
· There's no money to pursue a divorce or to even live in separate dwellings.
· Because of the kids neither of you is willing to go til the settlement is final.
· Your mate has been untrustworthy with the finances in the past and you don’t know if s/he’ll be fair if you move out now.
· You both know the economy has to turn around before the family will be stable enough to withstand two households.
· You don't know what you can afford, so you feel you have to stay in the house together til the divorce is final.
What should you do? What are you options and how should you proceed?
To read my full article click here.
You feel hopeless and can't see a way out:
· There's no money to pursue a divorce or to even live in separate dwellings.
· Because of the kids neither of you is willing to go til the settlement is final.
· Your mate has been untrustworthy with the finances in the past and you don’t know if s/he’ll be fair if you move out now.
· You both know the economy has to turn around before the family will be stable enough to withstand two households.
· You don't know what you can afford, so you feel you have to stay in the house together til the divorce is final.
What should you do? What are you options and how should you proceed?
To read my full article click here.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Stuck in a Difficult Relationship
Relationship struggles come in all shapes and sizes. It doesn’t matter how large or small the struggle, relationship conflicts drain your energy. They cause painful feelings of sadness, frustration or anger. They can lead to self-doubt, hopelessness and even depression. While one response to a difficult relationship may be to just walk away, this is not always feasible, nor is it always advisable or possible. You can’t walk away from a child or a family member. You don’t always walk away from a marriage just because you go through some loneliness.
You are struggling both on a day-to-day level, and your higher self is seeking greater consciousness, spiritual awareness, and to become stronger, more competent and resourceful in all aspects of your life, even in your most difficult relationships. You don’t want to walk away from this challenge; you want to grow from this experience. And, you want to feel better and less stressed!
To learn more about Collaborative Divorce go to our West Metro website.
To read the full article and learn some important some tips to guide you click here.
You are struggling both on a day-to-day level, and your higher self is seeking greater consciousness, spiritual awareness, and to become stronger, more competent and resourceful in all aspects of your life, even in your most difficult relationships. You don’t want to walk away from this challenge; you want to grow from this experience. And, you want to feel better and less stressed!
To learn more about Collaborative Divorce go to our West Metro website.
To read the full article and learn some important some tips to guide you click here.
If Divorce Is Inevitable, Start Here
You are anticipating a divorce:
· You’ve heard about Collaborative Divorce and if you have to divorce you’d like to do it with the least amount of hostility.
· You experience emptiness or anger, as well as huge self-doubts about the life step you’re contemplating.
· You feel a great deal of anxiety about the future – because it is unknown.
· On top of this enormous emotional turmoil comes confusion and fear about another unknown – navigating the legal system that is the route to divorce. You’ve heard so many horror stories about extended battles and outrageous financial costs.
Simple Steps To Start Now
There are some simple steps you can take - starting now - that will help you to stabilize your situation. These steps will help you gain a modicum of control over the choices you need to. These steps will help you begin to carve out a path of decision-making and wise choices as you go through this major life transition.
To read more and learn these important steps click here.
· You’ve heard about Collaborative Divorce and if you have to divorce you’d like to do it with the least amount of hostility.
· You experience emptiness or anger, as well as huge self-doubts about the life step you’re contemplating.
· You feel a great deal of anxiety about the future – because it is unknown.
· On top of this enormous emotional turmoil comes confusion and fear about another unknown – navigating the legal system that is the route to divorce. You’ve heard so many horror stories about extended battles and outrageous financial costs.
Simple Steps To Start Now
There are some simple steps you can take - starting now - that will help you to stabilize your situation. These steps will help you gain a modicum of control over the choices you need to. These steps will help you begin to carve out a path of decision-making and wise choices as you go through this major life transition.
To read more and learn these important steps click here.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Benefits of a Child-Inclusive Collaborative Team Process
A core principle of Collaborative Process is the value of reaching resolutions that benefit the entire family. We believe that respectful interest-based problem solving and negotiation is effective, and much less likely to deepen conflicts and worsen emotional distress than an adversarial process. This is of enormous benefit to the children in the family.
When a Collaborative Team Process is used, the needs of the children can be addressed even more clearly and powerfully. The children become members of the collaborative team through their work with the Neutral Child Specialist. The Child Specialist ensures that children are kept in the center and out of the middle.
A child-inclusive process keeps the focus directly on the individual needs of each child. Children old enough to understand the big picture are able to share their perspectives on how family can work best for them in the future. Children's voices are heard in a safe, supportive environment, and their parents get important feedback from a neutral collaborative team member. When it is time to create a parenting plan with the Child Specialist, each child's temperament, developmental stage and specific needs are honored. I call the end result a developmentally responsive parenting plan.
A child-inclusive Collaborative Team Process is valuable for any family with children, and for children of all ages. I believe that children deserve the best safe parenting they can get from both parents, and it is always a privilege to work with families to define those terms and reach that goal in their parenting plans.
Deborah Clemmensen, M.Eq.
Licensed Psychologist
Neutral Child Specialist
When a Collaborative Team Process is used, the needs of the children can be addressed even more clearly and powerfully. The children become members of the collaborative team through their work with the Neutral Child Specialist. The Child Specialist ensures that children are kept in the center and out of the middle.
A child-inclusive process keeps the focus directly on the individual needs of each child. Children old enough to understand the big picture are able to share their perspectives on how family can work best for them in the future. Children's voices are heard in a safe, supportive environment, and their parents get important feedback from a neutral collaborative team member. When it is time to create a parenting plan with the Child Specialist, each child's temperament, developmental stage and specific needs are honored. I call the end result a developmentally responsive parenting plan.
A child-inclusive Collaborative Team Process is valuable for any family with children, and for children of all ages. I believe that children deserve the best safe parenting they can get from both parents, and it is always a privilege to work with families to define those terms and reach that goal in their parenting plans.
Deborah Clemmensen, M.Eq.
Licensed Psychologist
Neutral Child Specialist
Sunday, March 7, 2010
The ABC Speech
What is the "ABC Speech" that I sometimes give to potential clients, and who would need this speech?
Who? A spouse, sitting across the conference table at my law firm, who has found him or herself facing a possible divorce. This person does not want a divorce, but feels the need to seek out information on what life would look like if Divorce was looming.
Minnesota law states that one spouse, either the husband or wife, needs to state under Oath that he or she believes his or her marriage is irretreivably broken. Often the spouse who does not want a divorce, must seek legal representation or, at least, consult with a family lawyer out of fear that the other spouse is going to file for divorce. I see these people in this position, often scared and sad to even have to sit across the table from a divorce attorney. It is a surreal experience. I know this because I've asked several of these people what it is like to sit in a room with a divorce attorney.
In the alternative, a person may be in my conference room and I discover that this person is the victim of domestic violence, including emotional abuse. This sort of person is very frightened and often won't even give me her last name. This person also needs the ABC speech. To me, this speech is based more on my undergraduate work in psychology rather than my law school education or the life lessons learned while practicing law or being married--twice.
I discuss with the distraught person that there are basically three options available going forward. Only one involves a family lawyer. There is a pregnant pause.
First, there is Option A. I continue on by revealing that this option is where the person continues to live the same way that he or she is currently living, also known as the status quo. This type of living, the same way, feels safe to some because of its predictability, but hurtful because it is painful. The person often lives walking on eggshells, always trying to do whatever it takes to save the relationship or to keep the abusive spouse content. Imagine trying to stay married, doing everything you can to salvage what little hope there may be, always giving 110%. The victim of abuse may be just trying to do whatever possible to maintain peace. This is an awful option for children. When parents are not happy, the children are not happy and the quality of life for the family suffers.
I encourange the person not to be in this option. They all agree. After discussing Option A with my potential client, the person, listening intently for the other options, agrees that Option A is a choice available as an outcome--simply do nothing to alter the situation.
Option B, quite simply, is for the person to have a discussion with his or her spouse and to give the spouse an ultimatum. Yes, an ultimatum. This person owes it to him or herself, and the children, to have a healthy marriage. The potential client is surprised to learn that, feeling like a victim, is not an option when opting to select Option B.
The ultimatum is such that this person must communicate the goals for preserving the marital relationship, such as marital counseling, marriage retreats, and other things that will assist in healing the relationship. This person must further insist that the other spouse actively participate in putting together an action plan and then following it. Imagine the body language I view when discussing Option B with someone who feels that the other spouse is in control.
Option B mandates that my potential client does not do all the work to 'fix' the relationship. Option B must have measurable goals with an end time when the person can assess whether the other spouse is truly working to stay married. Journaling progress is also important.
It is critical to note that, if spouses are physically separated, the other spouse is not delaying progress by stating, "I need my space" or "I need to think about whether I want to stay married." This is not fair to the potential client or the children to wait long. As such, counseling is highly, highly recommended to assist in forward progress. Merely pointing this out, does wonders. People on the receiving end of the spouse's actions to move out or mandate that this person move out, need to know that he or she does not need to sit back and let life happen.
Option B is very proactive. It insists that this person does not sit idle and let life happen. Instead, Option B is designed to empower the individual, insisting that this person be a driver, not a passenger. Ask the person, "Is the way your relationship with your spouse is today, what you would feel is a good relationship for your child in his or her marriage?"
It seems odd when I encourange this person to make a calculated change, complete with measurable objectives. A collaborative professional coach would be an excellent assistant. Here I am, a divorce attorney, asking someone to consider their options for staying married--not good for business, but good for people!
Option C is the choice involving a family law attorney. This is the option that enlists the services of an attorney to assist in resolving the issues necessary for a divorce in Minnesota. The person comes to the realization that Option A is not desirous and Option B is not likely to occur. Again, it is up to the person who is seated across from me. Reminding the client throughout the consultation that, although is feels that their life is out of control, they actually have considerable power. Showing them the obvious is all it takes to empower them to get thinking about options. The option is not what will divorce look like for me when and if it happens. Instead, it is all about selecting an option and making it happen.
After this discussion, the person takes it all in, conemplates the options and is so thankful. I close my initial consult with a statement, "I hope I never see you again." They all laugh at my dry sense of humor, but they all know that I will only help them with Option C, and only when it is the right time.
Who? A spouse, sitting across the conference table at my law firm, who has found him or herself facing a possible divorce. This person does not want a divorce, but feels the need to seek out information on what life would look like if Divorce was looming.
Minnesota law states that one spouse, either the husband or wife, needs to state under Oath that he or she believes his or her marriage is irretreivably broken. Often the spouse who does not want a divorce, must seek legal representation or, at least, consult with a family lawyer out of fear that the other spouse is going to file for divorce. I see these people in this position, often scared and sad to even have to sit across the table from a divorce attorney. It is a surreal experience. I know this because I've asked several of these people what it is like to sit in a room with a divorce attorney.
In the alternative, a person may be in my conference room and I discover that this person is the victim of domestic violence, including emotional abuse. This sort of person is very frightened and often won't even give me her last name. This person also needs the ABC speech. To me, this speech is based more on my undergraduate work in psychology rather than my law school education or the life lessons learned while practicing law or being married--twice.
I discuss with the distraught person that there are basically three options available going forward. Only one involves a family lawyer. There is a pregnant pause.
First, there is Option A. I continue on by revealing that this option is where the person continues to live the same way that he or she is currently living, also known as the status quo. This type of living, the same way, feels safe to some because of its predictability, but hurtful because it is painful. The person often lives walking on eggshells, always trying to do whatever it takes to save the relationship or to keep the abusive spouse content. Imagine trying to stay married, doing everything you can to salvage what little hope there may be, always giving 110%. The victim of abuse may be just trying to do whatever possible to maintain peace. This is an awful option for children. When parents are not happy, the children are not happy and the quality of life for the family suffers.
I encourange the person not to be in this option. They all agree. After discussing Option A with my potential client, the person, listening intently for the other options, agrees that Option A is a choice available as an outcome--simply do nothing to alter the situation.
Option B, quite simply, is for the person to have a discussion with his or her spouse and to give the spouse an ultimatum. Yes, an ultimatum. This person owes it to him or herself, and the children, to have a healthy marriage. The potential client is surprised to learn that, feeling like a victim, is not an option when opting to select Option B.
The ultimatum is such that this person must communicate the goals for preserving the marital relationship, such as marital counseling, marriage retreats, and other things that will assist in healing the relationship. This person must further insist that the other spouse actively participate in putting together an action plan and then following it. Imagine the body language I view when discussing Option B with someone who feels that the other spouse is in control.
Option B mandates that my potential client does not do all the work to 'fix' the relationship. Option B must have measurable goals with an end time when the person can assess whether the other spouse is truly working to stay married. Journaling progress is also important.
It is critical to note that, if spouses are physically separated, the other spouse is not delaying progress by stating, "I need my space" or "I need to think about whether I want to stay married." This is not fair to the potential client or the children to wait long. As such, counseling is highly, highly recommended to assist in forward progress. Merely pointing this out, does wonders. People on the receiving end of the spouse's actions to move out or mandate that this person move out, need to know that he or she does not need to sit back and let life happen.
Option B is very proactive. It insists that this person does not sit idle and let life happen. Instead, Option B is designed to empower the individual, insisting that this person be a driver, not a passenger. Ask the person, "Is the way your relationship with your spouse is today, what you would feel is a good relationship for your child in his or her marriage?"
It seems odd when I encourange this person to make a calculated change, complete with measurable objectives. A collaborative professional coach would be an excellent assistant. Here I am, a divorce attorney, asking someone to consider their options for staying married--not good for business, but good for people!
Option C is the choice involving a family law attorney. This is the option that enlists the services of an attorney to assist in resolving the issues necessary for a divorce in Minnesota. The person comes to the realization that Option A is not desirous and Option B is not likely to occur. Again, it is up to the person who is seated across from me. Reminding the client throughout the consultation that, although is feels that their life is out of control, they actually have considerable power. Showing them the obvious is all it takes to empower them to get thinking about options. The option is not what will divorce look like for me when and if it happens. Instead, it is all about selecting an option and making it happen.
After this discussion, the person takes it all in, conemplates the options and is so thankful. I close my initial consult with a statement, "I hope I never see you again." They all laugh at my dry sense of humor, but they all know that I will only help them with Option C, and only when it is the right time.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Communicating Through The Separation and Divorce Process
Since going through a separation and divorce pushes all kinds of emotional buttons, many people end up in lengthy verbal struggles. It's important to focus on your higher goals and to do so you must remain as non-reactive toward your spouse/ex as possible. You want to arrive at a settlement. Ask your coach and you team of lawyers and specialists to help you think and behave strategically.
Here are some tips to help you stay non-reactive and to think strategically during your divorce:
· Focus on Your Higher Mutual Goals.
Typically both adults in a divorce want the best financial situation for everyone in the family and the best possible care for their children. It is best if your lawyers, coaches, and other specialists bring you both back to these goals, but you can also keep your discussions on track by stating these mutual desires. Acknowledging where you agree or "come together" will create fewer opportunities to disagree and fight.
· Practice the Art of Negotiation.
Negotiation can only occur if you know and acknowledge what your ex wants in the divorce. It doesn't mean you have to give in, it means you can give something he or she wants in order to also hopefully receive something that you want in return.
· Pick Your Battles.
Face the fact that you will probably not get everything you want. Go for what is most important, but do it with grace and dignity. A good collaborative can help support and guide your decision-making.
Here are some tips to help you stay non-reactive and to think strategically during your divorce:
· Focus on Your Higher Mutual Goals.
Typically both adults in a divorce want the best financial situation for everyone in the family and the best possible care for their children. It is best if your lawyers, coaches, and other specialists bring you both back to these goals, but you can also keep your discussions on track by stating these mutual desires. Acknowledging where you agree or "come together" will create fewer opportunities to disagree and fight.
· Practice the Art of Negotiation.
Negotiation can only occur if you know and acknowledge what your ex wants in the divorce. It doesn't mean you have to give in, it means you can give something he or she wants in order to also hopefully receive something that you want in return.
· Pick Your Battles.
Face the fact that you will probably not get everything you want. Go for what is most important, but do it with grace and dignity. A good collaborative can help support and guide your decision-making.
Communication Tips-With Anyone: Divorce and Beyond
You'll need some of these during the divorce and beyond, especially if you share parenting for years to come. They'll also be useful when you become involved in a new relationship.
· Don't Mind Read.
You've been married to this person and you probably think you know everything he or she is going to say. Stop. Listen. Ask more open-ended questions and be curious about the response as though you've never heard it before. This will help your mate/ex feel listened to and understood. It will help you know where to negotiate and hopefully you will be given an opportunity to speak also.
· Show Interest and Actively Listen.
This is 75% of all great communication. Put your ego, your thoughts off to the side and focus on listening to your ex as though you have never heard him or her before, rather than making assumptions about what he or she might say.
· Take Turns Talking.
No one is listening when two people are talking at the same time. If your ex does not give you an opportunity to talk it probably means that he or she is not ready to hear your perspective anyway. Your lawyer and other specialist working on the divorce should listen to you, even if your ex does not.
· Mirror Back For Understanding.
To make sure you've heard correctly and understood what is being said. ……"Let me see if I've got that. What I think I hear you saying is…….Is that right?" Then listen.
· Bookend The Message.
When you are relaying a difficult message, begin and end with the positive—your over-all good feelings toward the person and your intentions for a positive outcome for both of you and the family. For example say, " I really value what a good parent you are and I want to work this out. What would help me is to have no sarcasm when we discuss difficult things. I would be able to hear your feedback better without sarcasm or hurtful comments. And that's what I want to do—I want to hear your feedback, because I really want to parent well together going forward."
· Get To The Point.
Learn to use the Broken Record Technique. For example, if your main message tends to get lost in conversations that are difficult, or if either of you goes off on detours, rehearse your core message beforehand and stick to it - no matter how the other person might detour the conversation. This will keep you on track. It will help you deliver what is most important to you. Say your core message 2 - 3 times if needed. More than that means the other person is not ready to hear you.
· It's Important.
Let the other person know that what you want or what you are saying is important to you, especially if they seem not to hear or if they discount what you are saying or asking for. Reaffirm your message by saying, "Well, I want you to know that this is important to me so I'd like you to think about it and let's talk again in two days." (or,.." on Wednesday.")
· Brainstorm, Then Decide.
When you are trying to achieve an outcome or arrive at a conclusion, some situations require quick and immediate decision-making. However, in much of life there is less need to rush. If you are trying to come together on a decision, and you both agree it is okay to take a little time, make time to come up with options together. Then arrive at a chosen win/win solution.
· Let Me Build On That Thought.
Add to what the other person has said, rather than polarizing. Polarizing is oppositional. It's taking an opposing position or view. Try to find where you "come together" then build on that thought, weaving in your perspective.
· Go For The Gold.
Over time you and your ex may be able to develop a mind-set of working toward mutually satisfying Win/Win outcomes to enhance your relationship.
· Slow down!
If possible, remember you don't have to resolve everything Right Now. Your goal should be to become EFFECTIVE! You know how to push your ex's buttons, so you also know how to avoid them! Take your time; cool off, think it through and you'll have many opportunities to communicate effectively.
· Don't Mind Read.
You've been married to this person and you probably think you know everything he or she is going to say. Stop. Listen. Ask more open-ended questions and be curious about the response as though you've never heard it before. This will help your mate/ex feel listened to and understood. It will help you know where to negotiate and hopefully you will be given an opportunity to speak also.
· Show Interest and Actively Listen.
This is 75% of all great communication. Put your ego, your thoughts off to the side and focus on listening to your ex as though you have never heard him or her before, rather than making assumptions about what he or she might say.
· Take Turns Talking.
No one is listening when two people are talking at the same time. If your ex does not give you an opportunity to talk it probably means that he or she is not ready to hear your perspective anyway. Your lawyer and other specialist working on the divorce should listen to you, even if your ex does not.
· Mirror Back For Understanding.
To make sure you've heard correctly and understood what is being said. ……"Let me see if I've got that. What I think I hear you saying is…….Is that right?" Then listen.
· Bookend The Message.
When you are relaying a difficult message, begin and end with the positive—your over-all good feelings toward the person and your intentions for a positive outcome for both of you and the family. For example say, " I really value what a good parent you are and I want to work this out. What would help me is to have no sarcasm when we discuss difficult things. I would be able to hear your feedback better without sarcasm or hurtful comments. And that's what I want to do—I want to hear your feedback, because I really want to parent well together going forward."
· Get To The Point.
Learn to use the Broken Record Technique. For example, if your main message tends to get lost in conversations that are difficult, or if either of you goes off on detours, rehearse your core message beforehand and stick to it - no matter how the other person might detour the conversation. This will keep you on track. It will help you deliver what is most important to you. Say your core message 2 - 3 times if needed. More than that means the other person is not ready to hear you.
· It's Important.
Let the other person know that what you want or what you are saying is important to you, especially if they seem not to hear or if they discount what you are saying or asking for. Reaffirm your message by saying, "Well, I want you to know that this is important to me so I'd like you to think about it and let's talk again in two days." (or,.." on Wednesday.")
· Brainstorm, Then Decide.
When you are trying to achieve an outcome or arrive at a conclusion, some situations require quick and immediate decision-making. However, in much of life there is less need to rush. If you are trying to come together on a decision, and you both agree it is okay to take a little time, make time to come up with options together. Then arrive at a chosen win/win solution.
· Let Me Build On That Thought.
Add to what the other person has said, rather than polarizing. Polarizing is oppositional. It's taking an opposing position or view. Try to find where you "come together" then build on that thought, weaving in your perspective.
· Go For The Gold.
Over time you and your ex may be able to develop a mind-set of working toward mutually satisfying Win/Win outcomes to enhance your relationship.
· Slow down!
If possible, remember you don't have to resolve everything Right Now. Your goal should be to become EFFECTIVE! You know how to push your ex's buttons, so you also know how to avoid them! Take your time; cool off, think it through and you'll have many opportunities to communicate effectively.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Can You Collaborate with One Collaborative Attorney?
I am often asked if one attorney, trained in collaborative divorce, can be used in the collaborative divorce model. One attorney cannot represent both the wife and husband, so one collaborative attorney cannot represent both parties. There would be a conflict of interest, meaning the attorney cannot advance the wife and the husband's legal position without an ethical issue. One attorney cannot advocate on behalf of both spouses. As such, one person would have to be pro se, meaning without an attorney. The spouse being represented by the attorney would have legal representation, the other, would not. Moreovier, if there is only one spouse with a collaboratively trained attorney and one spouse without an attorney, the case truly is not a collaborative case per se. A true collaborative case must have two attorneys. How do couples get around the two-attorney model when they want to proceed collaboratively but they just cannot afford to hire two attorneys? What are the ramifications of having only one attorney on the matter? I invite other collaborative team professionals to state their comments and exeriences that they have had when only one attorney attempts to proceed with a couple wishing to collaborate instead of litigate.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Why Do I Practice Family Law?
As a family law attorney, I often am asked, "Why do you practice family law?" People seem to sense that this area of the law must be difficult and wonder why an attorney would prefer to work in what they sense is a difficult career. When people ask me what I do for a living, I once said, "I am a firefighter." Why? Because I am constantly putting out fires and I was just trying to be funny. It was when the person said, "Me, too." That's when I knew I had to tell the truth.
I even ask myself why...who would engage in this practice of law when people are emotional and often difficult to work with? No one ever is happy, truly happy. Sometimes I drive home from work at night just clenching the steering wheel so tightly. I am stressed...due dates for documents, sad people, angry judges, complaining clients. Who needs this?
I equate family lawyers to E.R. doctors. We are available to assist the family with emergencies and are always doing crisis management and intervention. Unlike an E.R. doctor, however, we don't save lives, we merely assist families during a very difficult time. To me, I do not practice family law for fame or fortune, but rather because it is an area of law that can advance the health and well-being of families. The very challenging aspects of this area of law is what keeps me intrigued. A more mundane, routine practice of law would not engage me and keep me interested. Beleive me, I've entertained the thought of switching practice areas. Matter of fact, today, I received an email advertising an educational seminar on Animal Law. I never knew there was an area of law for animals. Who are your clients? I thought about it for a second, and then said, "Nahhh."
The very nature of this practice is why I enjoy it. It is hard. I do not get to meet the children, which I would love to do. Working as a family lawyer is all I can see myself doing and would miss the people and the interesting and challenging problems they face. There is never a dull moment and never two days that are even remotely similar. There is no predictability...and no way to explain how this career draws you in.
I invite other family lawyers to say why....why do they practice in this area of law?
I even ask myself why...who would engage in this practice of law when people are emotional and often difficult to work with? No one ever is happy, truly happy. Sometimes I drive home from work at night just clenching the steering wheel so tightly. I am stressed...due dates for documents, sad people, angry judges, complaining clients. Who needs this?
I equate family lawyers to E.R. doctors. We are available to assist the family with emergencies and are always doing crisis management and intervention. Unlike an E.R. doctor, however, we don't save lives, we merely assist families during a very difficult time. To me, I do not practice family law for fame or fortune, but rather because it is an area of law that can advance the health and well-being of families. The very challenging aspects of this area of law is what keeps me intrigued. A more mundane, routine practice of law would not engage me and keep me interested. Beleive me, I've entertained the thought of switching practice areas. Matter of fact, today, I received an email advertising an educational seminar on Animal Law. I never knew there was an area of law for animals. Who are your clients? I thought about it for a second, and then said, "Nahhh."
The very nature of this practice is why I enjoy it. It is hard. I do not get to meet the children, which I would love to do. Working as a family lawyer is all I can see myself doing and would miss the people and the interesting and challenging problems they face. There is never a dull moment and never two days that are even remotely similar. There is no predictability...and no way to explain how this career draws you in.
I invite other family lawyers to say why....why do they practice in this area of law?
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Future Directed
There are so many amazing stories of the olympic atheletes. On Saturday, a woman figure skater's mom died unexpectedly of a heart attack after arriving in Vancouver. Within twelve hours of the mother's death, the skater was on the ice, and her father was in the stand, watching her practice.
Oten life does not go in the direction one wants and there is little that can be done about it. Nevertheless, this skater, despite this awful life-changing event, will still skate, not for herself, she said, but for her mom, who will have the best seat in the house.
What does this blog have to do with collaborative family law? Well, some of my clients are on the receiving end of a divorce, meaning that they do not want to be going through a divorce, with similar emotions akin to a death. Why can they 'skate' during this difficult time? My only thought, after getting to know these people, is that they have amazing ways to handle stress, and during difficult times, they have an amazing will to keep going, looking to the future, rather than dwelling in the past. They tend to be very future oriented, opting to push forward, learning from the past, but not wishing to go backward.
I find it helpful to remind clients to continually work hard at formulating a support network to assist with the intense need to grieve, enlisting the services of a professional if necessary. Whenever the feeling to look back and get sad, mad, or scared enters their thoughts, this support network is there to assist. While their emotions are tempered, they can best deal with the life transition facing them. For some, the emotions that can hamper many people facing divorce, are managed successfully. Others need this support network to assist in keeping the divorcing person moving forward to their 'new' life, post-divorce.
Thank you to all who have ever helped these divorcing people and thier families through their life transitions. A special thank you to my sister, Lori, for being my support ten years ago when I went through a divorce.
Oten life does not go in the direction one wants and there is little that can be done about it. Nevertheless, this skater, despite this awful life-changing event, will still skate, not for herself, she said, but for her mom, who will have the best seat in the house.
What does this blog have to do with collaborative family law? Well, some of my clients are on the receiving end of a divorce, meaning that they do not want to be going through a divorce, with similar emotions akin to a death. Why can they 'skate' during this difficult time? My only thought, after getting to know these people, is that they have amazing ways to handle stress, and during difficult times, they have an amazing will to keep going, looking to the future, rather than dwelling in the past. They tend to be very future oriented, opting to push forward, learning from the past, but not wishing to go backward.
I find it helpful to remind clients to continually work hard at formulating a support network to assist with the intense need to grieve, enlisting the services of a professional if necessary. Whenever the feeling to look back and get sad, mad, or scared enters their thoughts, this support network is there to assist. While their emotions are tempered, they can best deal with the life transition facing them. For some, the emotions that can hamper many people facing divorce, are managed successfully. Others need this support network to assist in keeping the divorcing person moving forward to their 'new' life, post-divorce.
Thank you to all who have ever helped these divorcing people and thier families through their life transitions. A special thank you to my sister, Lori, for being my support ten years ago when I went through a divorce.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Creative Solution
I recently completed a Collaborative divorce in which the parties' agreement included a creative provision regarding the marital homestead. The homestead was awarded to Wife and Husband will continue to reside in the homestead with Wife while he looks for a residence of his own. The parties were able to come up with mutually-agreeable terms including a rental amount to be paid by Husband. This is an example of a win-win result that would not be possible in litigation.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Neutral Child Specialist
When there are children in the family, a collaborative team usually includes a Neutral Child Specialist whose role is to help keep children at the center and out of the middle during the process. In addition to meeting with children and giving parents feedback on what the children need, the Neutral Child Specialist helps parents create developmentally appropriate parenting plans. I provide a free half hour consultation for parents to fully explain the role of the Neutral Child Specialist.
Friday, January 22, 2010
More Control
My divorce was Collaborative. I liked the process because the negotiations were out in the open. I felt that I had more control over the process and I think we were able to resolve our issues faster.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
I made it! I am now officially a blogger, among other things.
I am now part of the social media that Brian spoke of...
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