Communication Tips-With Anyone: Divorce and Beyond

You'll need some of these during the divorce and beyond, especially if you share parenting for years to come. They'll also be useful when you become involved in a new relationship.

· Don't Mind Read.
You've been married to this person and you probably think you know everything he or she is going to say. Stop. Listen. Ask more open-ended questions and be curious about the response as though you've never heard it before. This will help your mate/ex feel listened to and understood. It will help you know where to negotiate and hopefully you will be given an opportunity to speak also.

· Show Interest and Actively Listen.
This is 75% of all great communication. Put your ego, your thoughts off to the side and focus on listening to your ex as though you have never heard him or her before, rather than making assumptions about what he or she might say.

· Take Turns Talking.
No one is listening when two people are talking at the same time. If your ex does not give you an opportunity to talk it probably means that he or she is not ready to hear your perspective anyway. Your lawyer and other specialist working on the divorce should listen to you, even if your ex does not.

· Mirror Back For Understanding.
To make sure you've heard correctly and understood what is being said. ……"Let me see if I've got that. What I think I hear you saying is…….Is that right?" Then listen.

· Bookend The Message.
When you are relaying a difficult message, begin and end with the positive—your over-all good feelings toward the person and your intentions for a positive outcome for both of you and the family. For example say, " I really value what a good parent you are and I want to work this out. What would help me is to have no sarcasm when we discuss difficult things. I would be able to hear your feedback better without sarcasm or hurtful comments. And that's what I want to do—I want to hear your feedback, because I really want to parent well together going forward."

· Get To The Point.
Learn to use the Broken Record Technique. For example, if your main message tends to get lost in conversations that are difficult, or if either of you goes off on detours, rehearse your core message beforehand and stick to it - no matter how the other person might detour the conversation. This will keep you on track. It will help you deliver what is most important to you. Say your core message 2 - 3 times if needed. More than that means the other person is not ready to hear you.

· It's Important.
Let the other person know that what you want or what you are saying is important to you, especially if they seem not to hear or if they discount what you are saying or asking for. Reaffirm your message by saying, "Well, I want you to know that this is important to me so I'd like you to think about it and let's talk again in two days." (or,.." on Wednesday.")

· Brainstorm, Then Decide.
When you are trying to achieve an outcome or arrive at a conclusion, some situations require quick and immediate decision-making. However, in much of life there is less need to rush. If you are trying to come together on a decision, and you both agree it is okay to take a little time, make time to come up with options together. Then arrive at a chosen win/win solution.

· Let Me Build On That Thought.
Add to what the other person has said, rather than polarizing. Polarizing is oppositional. It's taking an opposing position or view. Try to find where you "come together" then build on that thought, weaving in your perspective.

· Go For The Gold.
Over time you and your ex may be able to develop a mind-set of working toward mutually satisfying Win/Win outcomes to enhance your relationship.

· Slow down!
If possible, remember you don't have to resolve everything Right Now. Your goal should be to become EFFECTIVE! You know how to push your ex's buttons, so you also know how to avoid them! Take your time; cool off, think it through and you'll have many opportunities to communicate effectively.