Communicating Through The Separation and Divorce Process

Since going through a separation and divorce pushes all kinds of emotional buttons, many people end up in lengthy verbal struggles. It's important to focus on your higher goals and to do so you must remain as non-reactive toward your spouse/ex as possible. You want to arrive at a settlement. Ask your coach and you team of lawyers and specialists to help you think and behave strategically.

Here are some tips to help you stay non-reactive and to think strategically during your divorce:

· Focus on Your Higher Mutual Goals.
Typically both adults in a divorce want the best financial situation for everyone in the family and the best possible care for their children. It is best if your lawyers, coaches, and other specialists bring you both back to these goals, but you can also keep your discussions on track by stating these mutual desires. Acknowledging where you agree or "come together" will create fewer opportunities to disagree and fight.

· Practice the Art of Negotiation.
Negotiation can only occur if you know and acknowledge what your ex wants in the divorce. It doesn't mean you have to give in, it means you can give something he or she wants in order to also hopefully receive something that you want in return.

· Pick Your Battles.
Face the fact that you will probably not get everything you want. Go for what is most important, but do it with grace and dignity. A good collaborative can help support and guide your decision-making.

Communication Tips-With Anyone: Divorce and Beyond

You'll need some of these during the divorce and beyond, especially if you share parenting for years to come. They'll also be useful when you become involved in a new relationship.

· Don't Mind Read.
You've been married to this person and you probably think you know everything he or she is going to say. Stop. Listen. Ask more open-ended questions and be curious about the response as though you've never heard it before. This will help your mate/ex feel listened to and understood. It will help you know where to negotiate and hopefully you will be given an opportunity to speak also.

· Show Interest and Actively Listen.
This is 75% of all great communication. Put your ego, your thoughts off to the side and focus on listening to your ex as though you have never heard him or her before, rather than making assumptions about what he or she might say.

· Take Turns Talking.
No one is listening when two people are talking at the same time. If your ex does not give you an opportunity to talk it probably means that he or she is not ready to hear your perspective anyway. Your lawyer and other specialist working on the divorce should listen to you, even if your ex does not.

· Mirror Back For Understanding.
To make sure you've heard correctly and understood what is being said. ……"Let me see if I've got that. What I think I hear you saying is…….Is that right?" Then listen.

· Bookend The Message.
When you are relaying a difficult message, begin and end with the positive—your over-all good feelings toward the person and your intentions for a positive outcome for both of you and the family. For example say, " I really value what a good parent you are and I want to work this out. What would help me is to have no sarcasm when we discuss difficult things. I would be able to hear your feedback better without sarcasm or hurtful comments. And that's what I want to do—I want to hear your feedback, because I really want to parent well together going forward."

· Get To The Point.
Learn to use the Broken Record Technique. For example, if your main message tends to get lost in conversations that are difficult, or if either of you goes off on detours, rehearse your core message beforehand and stick to it - no matter how the other person might detour the conversation. This will keep you on track. It will help you deliver what is most important to you. Say your core message 2 - 3 times if needed. More than that means the other person is not ready to hear you.

· It's Important.
Let the other person know that what you want or what you are saying is important to you, especially if they seem not to hear or if they discount what you are saying or asking for. Reaffirm your message by saying, "Well, I want you to know that this is important to me so I'd like you to think about it and let's talk again in two days." (or,.." on Wednesday.")

· Brainstorm, Then Decide.
When you are trying to achieve an outcome or arrive at a conclusion, some situations require quick and immediate decision-making. However, in much of life there is less need to rush. If you are trying to come together on a decision, and you both agree it is okay to take a little time, make time to come up with options together. Then arrive at a chosen win/win solution.

· Let Me Build On That Thought.
Add to what the other person has said, rather than polarizing. Polarizing is oppositional. It's taking an opposing position or view. Try to find where you "come together" then build on that thought, weaving in your perspective.

· Go For The Gold.
Over time you and your ex may be able to develop a mind-set of working toward mutually satisfying Win/Win outcomes to enhance your relationship.

· Slow down!
If possible, remember you don't have to resolve everything Right Now. Your goal should be to become EFFECTIVE! You know how to push your ex's buttons, so you also know how to avoid them! Take your time; cool off, think it through and you'll have many opportunities to communicate effectively.

Can You Collaborate with One Collaborative Attorney?

I am often asked if one attorney, trained in collaborative divorce, can be used in the collaborative divorce model. One attorney cannot represent both the wife and husband, so one collaborative attorney cannot represent both parties. There would be a conflict of interest, meaning the attorney cannot advance the wife and the husband's legal position without an ethical issue. One attorney cannot advocate on behalf of both spouses. As such, one person would have to be pro se, meaning without an attorney. The spouse being represented by the attorney would have legal representation, the other, would not. Moreovier, if there is only one spouse with a collaboratively trained attorney and one spouse without an attorney, the case truly is not a collaborative case per se. A true collaborative case must have two attorneys. How do couples get around the two-attorney model when they want to proceed collaboratively but they just cannot afford to hire two attorneys? What are the ramifications of having only one attorney on the matter? I invite other collaborative team professionals to state their comments and exeriences that they have had when only one attorney attempts to proceed with a couple wishing to collaborate instead of litigate.

Why Do I Practice Family Law?

As a family law attorney, I often am asked, "Why do you practice family law?" People seem to sense that this area of the law must be difficult and wonder why an attorney would prefer to work in what they sense is a difficult career. When people ask me what I do for a living, I once said, "I am a firefighter." Why? Because I am constantly putting out fires and I was just trying to be funny. It was when the person said, "Me, too." That's when I knew I had to tell the truth.

I even ask myself why...who would engage in this practice of law when people are emotional and often difficult to work with? No one ever is happy, truly happy. Sometimes I drive home from work at night just clenching the steering wheel so tightly. I am stressed...due dates for documents, sad people, angry judges, complaining clients. Who needs this?

I equate family lawyers to E.R. doctors. We are available to assist the family with emergencies and are always doing crisis management and intervention. Unlike an E.R. doctor, however, we don't save lives, we merely assist families during a very difficult time. To me, I do not practice family law for fame or fortune, but rather because it is an area of law that can advance the health and well-being of families. The very challenging aspects of this area of law is what keeps me intrigued. A more mundane, routine practice of law would not engage me and keep me interested. Beleive me, I've entertained the thought of switching practice areas. Matter of fact, today, I received an email advertising an educational seminar on Animal Law. I never knew there was an area of law for animals. Who are your clients? I thought about it for a second, and then said, "Nahhh."

The very nature of this practice is why I enjoy it. It is hard. I do not get to meet the children, which I would love to do. Working as a family lawyer is all I can see myself doing and would miss the people and the interesting and challenging problems they face. There is never a dull moment and never two days that are even remotely similar. There is no predictability...and no way to explain how this career draws you in.

I invite other family lawyers to say why....why do they practice in this area of law?

Future Directed

There are so many amazing stories of the olympic atheletes. On Saturday, a woman figure skater's mom died unexpectedly of a heart attack after arriving in Vancouver. Within twelve hours of the mother's death, the skater was on the ice, and her father was in the stand, watching her practice.

Oten life does not go in the direction one wants and there is little that can be done about it. Nevertheless, this skater, despite this awful life-changing event, will still skate, not for herself, she said, but for her mom, who will have the best seat in the house.

What does this blog have to do with collaborative family law? Well, some of my clients are on the receiving end of a divorce, meaning that they do not want to be going through a divorce, with similar emotions akin to a death. Why can they 'skate' during this difficult time? My only thought, after getting to know these people, is that they have amazing ways to handle stress, and during difficult times, they have an amazing will to keep going, looking to the future, rather than dwelling in the past. They tend to be very future oriented, opting to push forward, learning from the past, but not wishing to go backward.

I find it helpful to remind clients to continually work hard at formulating a support network to assist with the intense need to grieve, enlisting the services of a professional if necessary. Whenever the feeling to look back and get sad, mad, or scared enters their thoughts, this support network is there to assist. While their emotions are tempered, they can best deal with the life transition facing them. For some, the emotions that can hamper many people facing divorce, are managed successfully. Others need this support network to assist in keeping the divorcing person moving forward to their 'new' life, post-divorce.

Thank you to all who have ever helped these divorcing people and thier families through their life transitions. A special thank you to my sister, Lori, for being my support ten years ago when I went through a divorce.